Don’t waste the Summer staring out the transfer window.

The obsession with transfers is about to ruin our summer, and we all must take a break from football entirely or risk losing another 3 months to Internet searches and a near constant refresh of the club website.

So much false hope, and so much frustration as the club puts up constant false hope headlines: “Club signs: a new deal with pie stockist” “Club welcome new signing: local business agrees to be a club partner” “fresh face in town: come and buy your club gnome”

So months are spent dealing with incredible levels of nonsense. Trawling message boards for the faintest rumour, obsessing over tweets sent by a teenager posing as an in the know football agent, or standing outside the stadium, with binoculars, looking for athletic looking types. Only the latter can lead to you getting arrested.

All this is a complete waste of time, and ultimately pays few dividends even if you do sign somebody. You’re so invested in this by now that when you do sign somebody it’s just a huge disappointment. “Him? I thought we were going to show some ambition this summer” or you already know about it anyway so when the club announce the signing it leads to cries of “well that’s the worst kept secret on earth, we all know already”

I’ve personally wasted far too much time searching doing nearly all of the above, and at no point did I find it rewarding. It’s when I was desperately trying to access the club website on a beach in Greece did I truly realise I had been wasting my time.

So I’m ignoring the world of transfer rumours, taking a break from football for a few months, and I’ll just find out in August that we’ve signed Marlon Harewod on a long term deal & resigned Alan Lee after Harewood blew out his knee in pre season.


We could do worse, but why should we bother?

This year it was Rickie Lambert, the year before Grant Holt, and they can add their names to the esteemed company of Marcus Stewart, Clive Mendonca & John Stead.

The above are all strikers who shocked the Premier League by scoring goals, when everyone assumed they’d be as much use as a cocktail umbrella in a tropical storm.

They catch defenders out, usually with a combination of sharp elbows & a beer gut, and suddenly their name is on everyone’s lips.

“What a player Lardarse is, he uses clever movement (a massive shove) to evade the defender & then shocks the keeper by throwing his pint in his eyes, followed by a clumsy shin roller to the onion bag”

Before you know it people are saying “we could do a lot worse than pick them for England, I mean he’s 31, out of shape & had half a good season, but he’s currently scored as many as Rooney”

At this point I lose any romance, and start screaming (not literally I’m not really that bothered) “no, no a thousand times no, they’ve had one good year”

I don’t wish to diminish these players achievements, but there’s a very good reason they don’t get international call ups: they might be fine for a game or two, but they have almost no international future, so why bother?

When you’re picking an international footballer you should be looking to players who can realistically play 50 times for their country, not just a bloke who’s had a good season when nobody was really sure what to expect from them.

Sadly, the best players England have available currently play in the national team, and giving fat strikers a couple of caps helps us in absolutely no way.

All it ultimately leads to is a slot on a BBC 3 show about the worst England team ever & a striking berth alongside their brother in arms: Michael Ricketts.